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Sunday, 21 March 2010

Sorry seems to be the hardest word?

Apparently. I think it is an overused word. When I was ill, I said sorry ALOT! I thought that my mere existence was a pain and so I apologised to doctors, friends, family - everyone, and then I apologised for apologising.
I catch myself doing it now. I have to think about whether I have anything to feel sorry about and stop myself apologising for everything and anything.
It is something that rears its' head when I am going to be ill, as my friend found out when I apparently apologised after every sentence. It is one of those signals that I have to notice and take note of. It's a new way of living life, somewhere between paranoia and ignorance. It's a learning curve. As are a lot of things, things I might have learnt earlier. Sometimes I feel cheated that I am having to learn these things now, rather than when I was younger - then I remember the incredible grace I have received in the fact that I am still here, writing, talking, laughing. I wrote a poem about the fact that I felt I was learning to breathe a while ago and now I feel like I have to learn to live. To learn things about myself and other people that I perhaps should have learnt when I was living in the underworld. To learn things about God now that I am seeking him in earnest and not just praying for a way out. They are important lessons and maybe they are mildly easier for me because I am no longer a child. I feel so very young sometimes, the life I have led seems a little immature. At other times I feel old, and tired, battered. I am slowly learning that this is ok. That I am ok. I do not have to apologise for being. I have been given a life and I intend to live it fully. Of course I muck up and sometimes need to apologise, but I am realising too, that messing up is not the end of the world. It is part of life. I am not, and never will be perfect - but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I keep my eyes fixed upon the cross, the symbol for all of mankind that we can draw near to God despite all we are and all we do. We are 'ok' because we have were made out of love. I seem to have gone off on a tangent, but that's ok - because we are all, with our pain and joy and struggle, our strength, weakness and sin - we are ok because we were invited 2000 years ago to draw near - and we are still being invited today....

2 comments:

  1. You said sorry so often that some of us banned you from saying it! :)

    You make a few really good points here Rach... I love the learning to Breathe/Learning to LIVE analogy. I think it is in parallel with what I try to get across... there is a big difference between merely EXISTING and truly LIVING. John 10:10b suggests there is some crazy-awesome FULL life that we could be living... something I always aspire to!

    Bless ya girl!

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  2. Heh... one of my very first blog posts was about 'sorry'...
    Love xx

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