Sunday, 21 March 2010

Sorry seems to be the hardest word?

Apparently. I think it is an overused word. When I was ill, I said sorry ALOT! I thought that my mere existence was a pain and so I apologised to doctors, friends, family - everyone, and then I apologised for apologising.
I catch myself doing it now. I have to think about whether I have anything to feel sorry about and stop myself apologising for everything and anything.
It is something that rears its' head when I am going to be ill, as my friend found out when I apparently apologised after every sentence. It is one of those signals that I have to notice and take note of. It's a new way of living life, somewhere between paranoia and ignorance. It's a learning curve. As are a lot of things, things I might have learnt earlier. Sometimes I feel cheated that I am having to learn these things now, rather than when I was younger - then I remember the incredible grace I have received in the fact that I am still here, writing, talking, laughing. I wrote a poem about the fact that I felt I was learning to breathe a while ago and now I feel like I have to learn to live. To learn things about myself and other people that I perhaps should have learnt when I was living in the underworld. To learn things about God now that I am seeking him in earnest and not just praying for a way out. They are important lessons and maybe they are mildly easier for me because I am no longer a child. I feel so very young sometimes, the life I have led seems a little immature. At other times I feel old, and tired, battered. I am slowly learning that this is ok. That I am ok. I do not have to apologise for being. I have been given a life and I intend to live it fully. Of course I muck up and sometimes need to apologise, but I am realising too, that messing up is not the end of the world. It is part of life. I am not, and never will be perfect - but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I keep my eyes fixed upon the cross, the symbol for all of mankind that we can draw near to God despite all we are and all we do. We are 'ok' because we have were made out of love. I seem to have gone off on a tangent, but that's ok - because we are all, with our pain and joy and struggle, our strength, weakness and sin - we are ok because we were invited 2000 years ago to draw near - and we are still being invited today....

Friday, 19 March 2010


I've been thinking a lot about love lately. When I was younger, I always thought that love was that funny mushy/butterfly feeling you got when the boy you had a crush on brushed past you in the corridor. I knew I loved my Mum in a way that was different from that, in the way that I was (and am) devoted to her. I thought love was a feeling. Either the butterflies or the devotion.
As I've got older, I've come to realise that love is no small number of things. It's the hammering heart, the cuddle, the quiet consideration, random act of kindness, patience, endurance, trust, nearness. It is something that has been put in everyone's heart. We all want it, seek it, fight for it and wish for it. Sometimes it is elusive, other times it is snatched, it can be everlasting and...perfect?
Love brings security, identity, joy...salvation? You hear sometimes, people describing their partners as their 'saviours', the ones who have saved them from some pain or desperation.
If love, as the songs say, is a many splendoured thing that makes the world go round - how can it come from anywhere except the region of heaven and the Father enthroned there?
Father, Saviour, Lord, Yahweh, Love. If God is Love - it can be perfect and everlasting, it can bring security, peace and nearness. What we see of Love on earth is nothing - not compared to what God gives. As we open our arms to embrace the ones we love, we are a reflection of the arms opened wide begging 'Father Forgive'. As couples say their vows on their wedding day, they are echoing the promises of love from God. When our faces light up at the sight of old friends, we are showing the least tincture of the smile that lights the face of the Lord when we turn towards him and give him our praises. Thats the love I want to show to me a favour...remind me of that next time I am moaning..?

Thursday, 18 March 2010

I've been incredibly lax with blogging this term - its' been a bit manic. We started the term with fun in the (snowy) sun, cancelled lectures and not a lot to do was a fun time to catch up with friends and just enjoy being back in the lovely land of LST.

It's been a term of being ill a LOT (and lots of fervent praying for something at least resembling an immune system!). I ran for the position of Welfare Sec on the Student Committee which was, in itself a rather incredible achievement for me. It has been years since I last put myself forward for something that involved votes and suchlike. It felt very right, to be talking about something I am passionate about and being able to say out loud, 'I might be good at this'. I did not get the position - it went to Paul Wragg who I know will do an amazing job and is one of my LST big brothers :) I wasn't sad I didn't get it, I knew, from quite early on that it was running for the role that was important - not whether I got it.

So, when I got approached by the President - Laura, to be the secretary of the committee I was a tad hesitant. I had spent the last year doing admin, and it seemed not to be in line with what I felt I was called to. God had other plans. I did a pro and con list. I showed it to Luke, and he crossed most of my cons out! I had a lot of items on my pro list.

So I said yes. I began to get excited. I began to see that this was God using something I was good at, to aid his work. So I am officially, the Secretary on the London School of Theology Student Committee.

I also sang, as a performance, for the first time in five years. The LST Spring Ball was a somewhat strange experience for me. I sang my heart out. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I loved it.

These things seem to me, to be ways to grow and stretch me. Things I have been so very afraid of, because I have been so afraid of living. It's not easy. There are things I am still fighting for, fighting through. The dark clouds still loom, the rain still pours sometimes. Yet I, tentatively, am pushing the boundaries of my life.

I'm home again now.

That's it for's been a crazy term. I'm looking forward to the next one :)