The Beautiful Mind?

Is the name of a conference I am going to in March; I have often wondered whether the Mind is, in fact beautiful. Whether that is because my mind has so often launched attacks on itself, let me down and taken me to some dark and dangerous places.

I often find myself speaking of my mind as a separate entity - and that is because it has so often felt like it is not my own. I have felt as if someone or something lurks in my mind, waiting to strike whenever I let my guard down.

At the same time, it amazes me that despite the desperate times when my mind has turned against me, it also allows me to live, laugh, love, write and read. It can keep me connected to the world as much as it can carry me away into its' own recesses.

The conference is a to help me in my work with ThinkTwice. It is still so much still in the planning stages and yet the passion I have has not wavered. I was reminded again today that God promises to restore the years lost. In Joel it talks of restoring the years the locusts have eaten. I feel as though my teenage years were stolen from me, I was stripped to someone unrecognisable from the child I was, and the woman I am becoming.

I am, after drowning in life and retreating from it, finally dipping my toes in the water again. I am living again. And you know what? It feels really good.

When it is dark enough...you can see stars

It has been quite a while since I last blogged - in fact it was last year! I have been challenged again and again recently to actually DO something about the passion I have for mental health awareness and support. Part of me knows they are almost selfish reasons - I do not want what I have suffered to have been in vain. There has to be a reason I have gone through the last six years.

I also know I have been blessed with a compassionate heart. I want to help those people who are struggling - I want to come alongside them, cry with them, make them smile and make a difference - showing a little bit of God's love to them that might just bring them before the Lord for the first time. Some might term it a 'call', I term it as the thing that makes my heart hammer and want so much to make a difference.

Being at college, I have come to see that I am not alone in what I have struggled with, and I want to help other people know that they are not alone. No two experiences are ever the same, but there is much to be learnt from the joys and sorrows of others.

I have a work in progress when it comes to this idea. An organisation, group, whatever it may be called 'Think Twice' which aims to get alongside people, advocate for them, pray with them and for them and raise awareness that 'mental illness' can affect the 'normal' looking school girl as well as the muttering man so many people cross the street to avoid.

So, you know what? If you fancy getting involved - praying, doing, whatever you can or want to do...drop me a line at rachaelsonali@me.com I would really love to hear from you!

In the mean time...may God really bless you as you face whatever this new week may hold for you.

Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory

Oscar Wilde said that...

I was thinking today that music and my memories are very intertwined. I used to be haunted by the song 'Nothing Will Ever Be The Same Again'. It was during listening to that song that I realised quite how ill I was, how, for better or worse I had been irrevocably changed. I sang that song at Church the other night and I felt like it wasn't haunting me anymore. It was just a painful memory - not a reality. Nothing is the same because God came, thats what the song says. I used to think it meant that because I had been ill once, I would always be. I thought that until this past couple of months when I have been happy and (dare I say it) getting better. Singing that song, as praise to God and as service to him and Church, lessened the pain it used to bring near when I heard it. I'm trying to change that pain into a blessing to others...and, after all, that is what I have wanted all these years. To make what I have gone through, am going through, worth the struggle so that it can be used to show people, just a little bit of God's amazing grace and love.

Home

It's a funny place. It is the place I longed to be during that first week at LST - yet now I am here, I want to return to LST. Strange.

I think LST might just have become home in these past 10 weeks -it is the place I feel I belong. I have never felt that I belonged anywhere; not really. Home has always been where Mum is -and while I love being with her and being at home with her. I am not home, not really. Home is that place where I have been happier than ever before. I say ever before, and it sounds melodramatic -but there have been some days during the past term that I have not been plagued by bad memories or pain, there have been lots of days where I have not remembered until I fell into bed. There have been days where I have awoken from a peaceful sleep. Most days, I have wanted to get out of bed to be able to experience what the day holds for me. I have met people who I love - people that, in such a short space of time have become like family. Some of you may not know how incredible, how long awaited this sort of happiness has been for me. It has been something I have had to fight for every second on some days. LST has shown me what I have been missing, but more than that, it has shown me happiness, security and something near to peace. It has, most importantly I think, shown me hope. That although bad days such as this come, they do not have to stay, the good ones will come again and that they can be enjoyed without being followed by destruction. If this is one thing that I will take into 2010 it is Hope.

Busyness and Family

Apologies for the lack of entries over the past few weeks, it has been a touch manic! I have handed in my first essay, and the deadline for the second is fast approaching. I am preparing to sing at the open mic night tomorrow evening, attempting to begin revising for the impending exams and as I write I have just been set another essay due before the end of term. As you can see I am busy; trying to keep in contact with friends and family at home whilst sustaining and developing friendships here. At times I feel like I am going to go a bit mad with it all, and yet, over the past weeks I have found myself calling 'college' home. The people I have come to know, I have come to love; we come from differing backgrounds, have differing ways of dealing with stress and we all come with our own baggage and sensitivities. Yet amidst these differences we have come to care a great deal for each other and I have been struck how each of these people show me a little bit of Jesus' love every single day. As much as I am learning from reading, lectures and essays - I am learning just as much from living in a community and growing closer.

I also say without hesitation that through these new relationships, discoveries, alongside the learning I am doing academically, God is doing something new within me. A work of healing and renewal, a work that I pray will continue as the years pan out before me.

Time

I have very nearly completed my first month of study at LST and I say with no hesitation that time has flown. Time is a funny concept, we spend half our time wishing for time to go quicker and the other half wanting it to slow down so we can savour the moment or avoid some impending doom.

I have, like many others, wished away far too much time in my life. It has become clear over this past week that 'it is time' to deal with things that have been spirited away in the rush of the mundane, exciting thing we call life.

I wonder how many times in a day you say/think 'I'll deal with it later', or 'that can wait'. Whilst I am not advocating abandoning the schedule and prioritisation that is doubtless needed, I have been challenged this past few days not to put of those things that are vital. And by vital I do not mean things that need to be 'done', rather time that needs to be spent, cultivated and used to make things right with the one who is not bound by time or space.
On a visit to Winchester Cathedral a few years ago I picked up a post card that had the following words embossed upon it:
"Time is too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But for those who love
Time is Eternity"

We have been promised an eternity with our Father in Heaven...but let us not waste the time on earth we have to 'get right' with him.

I challenge you to use your time wisely, do what needs to be done. It is Time.

The Promise

Apologies for the belated entry this week, but the realities of being a university student have been hitting home well and truly!
Two essays set, countless books to read, lots of colour-coding notes and I am loving it! It's amazing to be studying for a degree and being able to learn more about God as I do so. I have been amazed, particularly considering the rather rocky first week how settled I now feel; yes I have the days when I want my own bed and a cuddle with my Mum, but I do feel at home at LST. I feel incredibly blessed with the story I have and the God I serve, the freedom I have to learn about the Bible, the Church and how to use what I am learning to carry out God's calling on my life.
I have been so challenged by the people and the teaching to live my life relying, not on the earthly things and people which can so easily fall away. We have been spending our Old Testament Survey lectures focussing on the story of Abraham, the promises God made him, but also the actions Abraham had to take. Called to leave his home, family and everything he was familiar with, I have felt a little affinity with him in the past few weeks - and I only moved a 40minute car journey away! God used Abraham in a mighty way, but I am sure there were times when Abraham wondered when, if ever, the spectacular promises God made him would appear. And yet Abraham held on, slipping a little on the way, but he was clinging to the covenant God made with him.
There are so many lessons to be learned from the way God used Abraham, and how Abraham leant on the promises and trusted God when everything was against him. As for me? I'm learning and I hope I will continue to learn to live more fully, love more deeply and trust more surely...
There seems to be a lot of exhaustion and sleeplessness at college, please pray for a restful weekend and an awakened zest for study and caring for each other.
Yours,